Welcome to Coffeebucks
by RigorMortisGirl
Summary: The First Definitive Coffeshop AU in the Hellsing Fandom. Rated for possible language later. Integra is the owner of Coffeebucks, an up-and-coming cafe in the University District. When the church down the road opens Iscariot Coffee and a traditional German cafe moves in across the street, it's a coffee conflict for the ages.
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to Coffeebucks

Chapter 1

Special thanks to Shrubby Scribe for acting as creative adviser.

It was a brisk fall day at Coffeebucks, and Assistant Manager Alucard was bored. The manager, Integra, had left for an important sales conference, and had taken their best barista, a retiree named Walter, with her. Though Coffeebucks was not busy, there had been a steady stream of customers all day and Alucard was quite sick of dealing with the general public.

The bell on the door chimed as three students of the local university stumbled in. Two, tall brunettes named Simon and Eddy, were semi-regulars. Alucard liked to spell their names wrong on their cups. Their companion was a short, curvy blonde girl that had not been in before. _Must be a freshman_. The students set their books and laptops on an empty table and got in line for their coffee.

"Two cheddar biscuits, please," Simon ordered, "and a double mocha frappuccino."

"One large coffee, no cream or sugar." Eddy requested. The blonde, nose buried in the want ads, ordered nothing. Alucard handed the boys their drinks and went to wipe down tables, eavesdropping as he did so.

"I can't find a single job I am qualified for," lamented the blonde. "I won't be able to take the civil service exam to join the police until next summer!" Simon patted her shoulder encouragingly.

"You'll find something, Seras. Just keep looking." Eddy nodded his agreement.

Just then, Alucard saw a crowd of elderly people heading toward the shop, led by a priest. They were so old, zombie-like in their movements, and certain to be a pain to deal with. Thinking quickly, Alucard appeared at the students' table.

"You're hired." He shoved an apron into Seras' hands. "You start now."

"What?! I don't even drink coffee and you don't know my availability or anything!" The tiny blonde protested, confused.

"We'll get to that. Can you operate a cash register?"

"I – what?"

The horde of senior citizens was closer now.

" _Can you operate a cash register?!_ " Alucard demanded.

"Y-yes!"

The next thing anyone knew, Seras was behind the counter, a visor perched crookedly on her head, an apron covering her blue t-shirt.

The doorbell chimed, and the church group slowly entered. There were senior citizens everywhere, commandeering tables and showing photos of their grandchildren to anyone with eyes. Simon, Eddy, and the other patrons were swallowed by the horde. Seras was suddenly very grateful to have the counter between her and the church group. As the priest approached, Alucard handed Seras a Sharpie.

"Try not to spell their names correctly." He instructed. Seras nodded and fixed a shaky smile on the first customer.

"Welcome to Coffeebucks, what can I get you?"

The next hour flew by, and even the grouchiest of seniors was disarmed by Seras' bright smile. Alucard had never seen a barista earn so many tips in the first hour of working, though he had a sneaking suspicion that the girl's enormous chest had something to do with it. Once the customers had left, he beckoned Seras to the small office in the back of the cafe.

"All right, Police Girl, fill out this application." He instructed.

"My name is Seras, and I'm not even a police officer yet," the new barista grumbled. "I haven't even taken the exam." Alucard rolled his eyes.

"You will work 30 hours a week, at $7 per hour, plus any tips. Coffeebucks prides itself on being the best-paying cafe in town, and hires only the best. Welcome to the Coffeebucks family." He read dispassionately from a clip board. "Here is your name tag, your register log-in, and your schedule for the week." Seras took the name tag, sighed when she saw that it read "Police Girl" instead of her name, and pinned it to her apron.

"Isn't there some sort of computer training I have to do?"

"At Coffeebucks, we believe in hands-on training." Alucard replied, bored. "The manager will take care o your tax forms when she returns from her conference. Now, let's make some coffee."

Several hours later, Seras had finally gotten comfortable with the cash register, when a tall, statuesque woman and a thin old man entered the cafe.

"Welcome to Coffeebucks!" Seras chirped. "How can I he-" The woman silenced her with a glare, shouting for Alucard. The assistant manager appeared in the office doorway, grinning widely.

"Yes?"

"What is the meaning of this?" The woman demanded, gesturing at Seras. Alucard shrugged carelessly.

"I hired her."

"Why?" He shrugged again.

"Sir Integra, shall I see her out?" The old man asked. Integra shook her head.

"That won't be necessary, Walter." She stepped forward to examine Seras. The barista squirmed uncomforably as Integra's icy blue eyes inspected her appearance. At last, Integra looked to Alucard. "She'll do." Seras sighed quietly in relief as Integra turned her attention back to her. "Welcome to Coffeebucks … Police Girl."


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to Coffeebucks

Chapter 2

Seras had been working at Coffeebucks for two months when the town held its annual University District Fall Festival. Businesses in the district were encouraged to hold Open Houses, set up booths, and get in the spirit of community outreach. Integra instructed Seras to set up tables on the sidewalk and hand out samples of coffee and snacks, while Alucard and Walter handled the more difficult orders inside.

The wind was brisk and the leaves had almost completely shed their leaves, but the sun was shining brightly as Seras sat at her table, studying for her Sociology exam in between handing patrons cups of coffee. While the Coffeebucks table had initially been quite popular, eventually Seras began noticing that the interruptions to her studying were less frequent, though festival-goers were still carrying cups of coffee.

Frowning, Seras abandoned her table to approach a nearby festival-goer.

"Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where you got your coffee?"

"Yeah, the church just opened a shop in their basement. It's called Iscariot Coffee, it's really good." Seras thanked the man and returned to her table. If the church down the street was serving better coffee, Coffeebucks might lose customers, and she might lose her job. Just as she was trying to think of a way to make her table more appealing to passers-by, Integra stepped outside to smoke.

"Is everything under control, Police Girl?" The manager inquired, glancing sideways at the young barista.

"Um, well, funny you should ask." Seras began hesitantly. "It would appear that the church down the street has opened their own cafe, so everyone is drinking their coffee." Integra's eyebrows drew together as she considered this new information.

"We will have to show the public what _real_ coffee tastes like." With that, Integra dramatically stubbed out her cigar and swept back into the cafe.

A few moments later, Alucard stepped outside with a tray of cups. He cut an imposing figure among the festival crowd, tall and pale, with his inky hair whipping about as if it were sentient.

"Shouldn't you be wearing a hairnet?" Seras asked shyly. The assistant manager had intimidated her since day one, and she tried to avoid being alone with him for any length of time. Alucard's reply was simple:

"No." Seras nodded slowly and turned a page in her textbook.

"What's in the cups?"

"Lattes. Drink one." Seras shook her head.

"No, thank you. I don't drink coffee."

"Some barista." Alucard scoffed. Seras felt the blood rush to her face as she tried to ignore the assistant manager's derision. It wasn't her fault she didn't like coffee. She had just worked up the courage to say something in self-defense, when a shadow fell over the table.

"So this is the cafe everyone raves about, eh?" A large, blonde priest with dramatic scars crossing his face stared down at Seras. "Let's see what all the fuss is about." He picked up a cup of coffee and took a drink, only to immediately spit it out, hitting a poor bystander. "You call that coffee!?" He cackled. "I've had stronger water than that!" And with that, the priest promptly flipped over Seras' table.

In a flash, Alucard was upon the priest, all fists and teeth. Seras scrambled to catch as many of the abandoned lattes as she could, while festival attendees crowded around to watch the fight. Perhaps the scarred face should have clued the observers in, but the priest was surprisingly adept and hand-to-hand combat. The pair crashed through the remains of the table, and Seras gasped as the priest started pelting Alucard with empty paper cups.

Once the assistant manager had been satisfactorily subdued, the priest stood and dusted himself off. He turned his attention to Seras, who clutched the last two unspilled lattes to her chest.

"You tell your owner that there's new coffee in town." The priest warned, stepping toward Seras menacingly. She shrunk back, tightening her grip on the lattes.

"Police Girl …" Alucard gasped from the sidewalk. "Drink my lattes." Seras looked between Alucard and the advancing priest, wavering. "Drink the latte and become the barista you were meant to be, Seras Victoria!" Seras shook her head helplessly, as the priest knocked the lattes from her hands.

At that moment, Integra stepped out of the cafe and slapped the priest across the face.

"You will leave now, or I will make you leave." She snapped, eyes blazing. The priest was about to argue when Alucard appeared beside him, looking no worse for the beating he had just taken.

"I suggest you do as the lady says." He told the priest coolly. The priest looked from Alucard to Integra, then shrugged nonchalantly.

"Eh, keep your rotten coffee. The people will decide the superior cafe soon enough." With that, he turned on his heel and strode away from Coffeebucks. Seras scrambled to clean up the paper cups and broken table as Integra returned indoors. Alucard paused on his way back inside to cast a judgemental glare at the young barista.

"Why didn't you just drink the latte?" And with that, he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Seras found that her shifts in the days following the festival were strained and uncomfortable. Walter and Integra, who had just slightly warmed up to her, were back to acting withdrawn and standoffish. Alucard took every available opportunity to call her useless and to remind her that she wasn't a real barista if she didn't drink coffee. Simon and Eddy hadn't been seen since the incident with the senior citizens, and Seras was feeling generally alone and miserable.

One Tuesday, the cafe was empty, thanks in part to the freezing rain outside, and Alucard had retreated to the basement storage area to take his daily "I really hate my job" nap. Seras was washing dishes, and Walter took the time to brew more coffee. The doorbell chimed and several middle-aged men in suits filed in. Walter greeted the men and escorted them to the office where Integra was filing paperwork.

"Who were they?" Seras asked when the elderly barista returned.

"The Board of Directors." He replied. "They will be discussing the issue with Iscariot Coffee and the best way to deal with it."

"Oh."

The rain continued to drum the rooftops as the baristas continued to clean the cafe. Just when it seemed that the day would be slow and uneventful, an enormous party bus pulled to the curb in front of the cafe. It had bright neon lights pulsing along with the beat of obnoxiously loud music. Walter was about to say something derisive about the musical taste of the bus inhabitants when the vehicle doors folded open and a crowd of loud frat boys poured out, led by a suave blonde in white and his tanned, pierced, tracksuit-wearing brother.

"Let's get some fucking coffee!"

Seras dashed behind the counter as the group crowded into the cafe. The pierced man slammed a boom box onto a table and began playing more obnoxiously loud music while his friends commandeered the long-forgotten dartboard and pushed tables together for an impromptu beer pong tournament.

"Don't forget what we're here for, Jan." Admonished the blonde man in the white suit.

"You got it, bro." Jan cackled in reply. The blonde disappeared down the stairs to the storage room. Seras moved to stop him, but her path was blocked by the tracksuit brother.

"I'm gonna need all the fuckin' coffee you got," he told the barista. "And make it quick," he added, slapping her rear as she turned to go ring up the order. Seras stomped back to Walter, fuming.

"If he thinks I'm not going to spit in his coffee, he is sorely mistaken." She grumbled. Walter adjusted his monocle as he eyed the hollering crowd.

"Quite. If you'll excuse me, I need to inform Sir Integra about our visitors."

"What?! You can't leave me out here!" Seras protested.

"I will return shortly. I am sure you can hold them off until then." With that, Walter slipped away from the counter and into the office, closing the door gently behind him.

Meanwhile, in the basement, Alucard was rudely awoken from his nap by the sound of boxes crashing. Lazily cracking one eye open, he watched the blonde in the white suit as he smashed crates of expensive coffee beans and ground them beneath his feet.

"I hope you are planning to pay for that." He said, sitting up straighter in his chair. The blonde whipped around in surprise, then smirked.

"Well, if it isn't the infamous barista, Alucard. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke Valentine, and I have been hired to destroy you."

Alucard yawned.

"Well, get on with it." Luke tossed his platinum bangs out of green eyes suavely.

"Don't mind if I do."

As Luke and Alucard battled for the title of Supreme Barista in the basement, Walter explained the situation to Integra and the Board of Directors.

"It would appear we have been overrun with frat boys, Sir." He explained as delicately as he could. "They have taken it upon themselves to throw their latest kegger in our facilities."

"How many are there?" Integra asked, itching to light a cigar.

"It's hard to say. With all the activity, I couldn't get a good count."

"Well go get them out of here." Walter nodded and headed back into the fray.

The frat boys were everywhere at once, sitting on tables, wrestling in the aisles, alternating their coffee consumption with that of the cheap beer they had brought in with them. Crushed cans and paper cups littered the cafe, the music was migraine-inducing, and someone was standing at the light switch, flicking it on and off to the beat. Walter sighed heavily and looked around for his co-worker. At first, he thought she had just gone home, but then he saw a flash of blonde move in the crowd.

Seras had stacked coffees on a tray and was moving through the group of frat boys delivering their drinks. Though each order was different in subtle ways – this one with soy, that one decaf – she was delivering each beverage to the correct customer on the first try every time. Unfortunately, the frat boys seemed to think that the most appropriate way to show their appreciation for her hard work was by copping a feel, and the young barista was growing increasingly irritated. Her face was steadily growing redder, and her smile was less "geniune customer service" and more "put a hand on me one more time and see what happens."

It was about this time that Walter decided to intervene, before the situation could become violent. Calmly, the elderly barista walked over to the boom box and abruptly unplugged it from the wall. This drew the attention of everyone in the cafe.

"I am very sorry to inform you all that we are now closed. Kindly take your party elsewhere, and don't forget to tip your barista generously," he instructed. There was a moment of silence, and the frat boys erupted into laughter.

"Fuck off, old man." Jan replied, grinning and plugging the boom box back into the outlet. Walter sighed again, picked a spare serving tray off a nearby table, and decked the pierced man in the face with it.

The loud clang as the metal reverberated against Jan's skull seemed to be all the signal the frat boys needed, and a brawl broke out. Frat boys fought frat boys, Seras fought frat boys, and Walter continued to abuse Jan with the serving tray.

The fight continued to rage for quite some time before Walter noticed that there seemed to be fewer frat boys fighting and an increasing number of frat boys sitting on the floor, nursing their wounds. In the thick of it all was Seras, kicking, biting, and pulling hair. She was unstoppable. Walter was almost afraid for the frat boys' safety, but he was spared from any further action when Integra appeared to see what all the commotion was.

"Seras!" She shouted, rushing forward to wrap her arms around the raging barista. "You can stop now." The sudden contact of her employer seemed to snap Seras back to reality, and she sheepishly observed the beaten and bruised frat boys.

Just then, Alucard appeared in the basement door, Luke Valentine slung carelessly over his shoulder.

"I have some trash that needs to go out." He told Integra, dropping Luke next to Jan on the floor. It appeared that the blonde man had a broken leg, and Jan, who was bleeding from the torn-out piercings on his face, quickly scooped his brother up, darting for the door.

He paused at the exit to shout "Beware the Millenium!" and then he was gone.


End file.
